Cash Money Records Arrives at the 2012 Uncle Tom’s Cabin Retreatby Jacky Jasper
It’s day nine at the cabin…
Seated in the cabin’s dinning room, Senator John McCain is having a meeting with Governor Chris Christie. Just steps away from the men, Viola Davis pretends to dust the furniture while ease dropping on the pair’s conversation.
As Senator McCain and Governor Christie share a pot of tea, McCain crosses his legs. “I’m going to have the biggest party down here, on the plantation grounds. O’Reilly won the Cabin Commander award three years in a row, but this year, with me organizing the BET Spring Break jamboree, I’ll prove that nobody can control Negroes like me!”
Viola Davis immediately left the dinning room. That’s when Governor Christie nodded his head before placing his tea cup on the saucer, saying, “John, in order for our party to regain the people’s trust we must show the Negroes some compassion!”
Suddenly, the dining door swung open and an angry Bill O’Reilly entered the room – shouting at Governor Christie. “You get off these grounds now..you’re a Benedict Arnold…you have the nerve to lower the flag for a junkie pop singer…I want you off these grounds now!“
McCain immediately stood up to address O’Reilly. “Bill, we’re having a meeting and you can’t tell Governor Christie to leave the plantation!” O’Reilly walked over to McCain and pointed his finger into the Senator’s face. “You’ll never be Cabin Commander, that’s my award and these Negroes are all loyal to me…Christie get off these grounds now…and McCain we’ll see about your BET Spring Break jamboree!” O’Reilly snapped his fingers, and rapper Jackie O entered the room saying, “Maybach music.”
All of a sudden, rapper Rick Ross walked into the room (dressed in his correctional officer uniform, holding a 357 Magnum revolver saying, “Mr Christie I’m here to escort you off the plantation grounds.”
Meanwhile, Herman Cain is taking a walk across the plantation with Sean Puffy Combs. Herman stopped walking and turned to face the Bad Boy Records CEO. “Sean, I want you and I to team up for a joint venture.” Puffy took off his sunglasses asking, “what do you have in mind?” Cain replied, “you throw the biggest parties and you have a endless supply of Ciroc vodka…with my pizza we can have Negroes drunk, eating and ready to dance and entertain Mr Cheney and the others all evening!” Puffy smiled. “I’ll do that, but I’m down here to make sure my movie ‘Defeated’ gets publicity everywhere.” Cain laughed and said, “Puffy…Puffy…Puffy..it’s already been taken care off. Newt Gingrich already pulled some strings for you to ensure your movie is nominated at this year’s Oscars.” Puffy started jumping up and down and screamed, “I’ll make it to the Oscars before Jay Z…I’ll be the biggest ever!” Herman Cain tapped Puffy on his right shoulder and said, “do you have any white girls who wanna work for Godfather’s Pizza?”
All of a sudden, a voice echoes over the plantation grounds. It’s coming from the P.A. system, and is obviously the voice of Senator Mitch McConnell telling all the House Negroes not to speak until spoken to.
Rick Perry is dressed in a navy seal uniform, holding an M-16. Suddenly, Sherri Shepherd appears. She’s dressed as a prostitute, saying “Wanna buy some pussy?” Perry took a bible out of his pocket before slapping Shepherd’s face, screaming, “You’re name is not Lula, and this is not the movie ‘One for the Money’ this is Uncle Tom’s cabin…your attire must be more like the garb from ‘Gone With The Wind’!”
Senator McCain rushes to the cabin’s entrance as a convoy of tour buses pull up. Loud music fills the grounds, music which is coming from the newly arrived buses. A look of confusion came over McCain’s face before the Senator looked up at the leading tour bus. That’s when he spotted Nicki Minaj dancing in thigh high boots, wearing a bikini.
When the tour bus door opened, and music stopped – out came Bryan Birdman Williams. McCain greeted him. “Baby, you made it! Are Wayne and Drake here too?” Before Baby could answer, the handicap door at the back of the bus opened and a hydraulic ramp began to lower. Out rolled Drake at lightning speed.
Then, Lil Wayne jumped off the bus wearing just shorts saying, “We gonna turn this party out!”
That’s when McCain took his right hand from behind his back and handed Wayne a plate containing pickled pig ears with a fresh muskrat salad and a ginger beer Snapple to wash it down with.