Uncle Toms Cabin

It’s the last day at the cabin…

The CMT (Cabin’s Most Talented Award) ceremony is coming to an end. Following Miranda Lambert’s performance, Bill O’Reilly proceeds to the stage to accept his well-deserved crown. The Fox Newsman receives a standing ovation for putting together the CMT award show. O’Reilly proudly approaches the microphone before saying, “If BET can have an award show without us, why can’t we have an award show without them?!?”

Rush Limbaugh immediately jumped out of his seat and shouted, “You tell them Bill!” O’Reilly pulls a mono-gram encrusted handkerchief out of his suit jacket to wipe his forehead while saying, “The two gay marines who got caught kissing on Facebook…Sgt. Brandon Morgan and his gay lover Dalan Wells, are an embarrassment to our army! I made some calls and those queers have been served with discharge papers!” The crowd promptly rose to their feet. Once they started to calm down Toby Keith jumped out of his seat and started yelling, “Let’s lynch the Negroes and the fags!” O’Reilly smiled and continued to speak, ”Tonight, Senator Mitt Romney will be singing ‘America the Beautiful’ at the BET Spring Break…we need the Negro vote, and then we can stop Obama! To ensure we land Latino votes, I told them tonight they can share the stage with the Negroes. I also told JLO to make sure she wears a dress that will reveal her nipples.”

That’s when Newt Gingrich jumped out of his seat shouting, “Bill, will Jennifer join Callista and I for a threesome?” Continue Reading…

It’s day twelve at the cabin…

All of the cabin workers are busy putting the finishing touches on the auditorium, as the stage is being set-up for the BET Spring Break celebration.

Bill O’Reilly is walking the auditorium floor with Clive Davis – when suddenly, the pair come to a stop. O’Reilly turned to the music mogul and says, “Clive, I know McCain wants a huge urban shindig, and there’s nothing wrong with that because I want it too! But Clive, I also want something for our boys and girls to enjoy – So I’ve arranged the CMT Awards right here on the cabin grounds!”

Clive Davis began to rub his chin with his right hand before replying. “Bill, what does CMT mean?” O’Reilly smiled as he explained. “Cabin’s Most Talented…oh, and only Caucasian artists can perform! I want to make sure guys like Hank Williams Jr., Toby Keith and Dave Mustaine get some sort of award! Clive, I’m dead serious…I don’t want to see any Ryan Seacrest stuff down here…No Simon Cowell or Glee stuff either. Carrie Underwood will open the show, Miranda Lambert will close it.”

Davis immediately removed his glasses. While wiping the lenses of his spectacles clean, he replied, “Are you saying you don’t want any homosexual activity Bill?” O’Reilly pointed his index finger of his left hand at Davis’ face and shouted, “You’re damn right!!!“ Continue Reading…

It’s day eleven at the cabin…

Bill O’Reilly is driving a golf cart, Rick Ross, who is suited up in his CO gear and holding an Uzi  is standing on one side of the moving vehicle, while Shaquille O’Neal stands on the other side of the golf cart, holding a semi-automatic and dressed as a Miami police officer.

O’Reilly pulls the golf cart up to the camp grounds named in honor of Mitt Romney, who is sitting having a picnic along with 30 of his Mormon relatives.

Romney stands up and walks over to the Bill O’Reilly saying, “Bill, nice for you to come by…but what’s with the bodyguards?” O’Reilly pointed his finger in the Governor’s face saying, “Sheriff Paul Babeu is on your team and he’s gay…he’s gay, Mitt..and it’s making our party look bad! That’s why Rick Santorum became the party favorite.” Romney ran his right hand through his hair and replied, “Bill, that’s Arpaio’s man…I figured Joe would have cleaned up this mess for me!” O’Reilly leaned his head to one side and said, “That’s not Joe’s problem…It’s yours, Mitt! Your religious baptisms were performed on dead holocaust Jews..You’re finished!”

Mitt Romney’s face turned cherry red. He was about to attack O’Reilly, but correctional officer Rick Ross jumped off the golf cart and punched Romeny in the face (wearing brass knuckles). O’Reilly laughed at Romey saying, “Look at you Mitt, you’re laying on the floor! I disrespected you in front of your family and there’s nothing you can do about it!” O’Reilly drove off in his golf cart with his two negro bodyguards laughing… Continue Reading…

It’s day ten at the cabin…

A Presidents Day celebration is underway. Everyone is partaking in a George Washington with slave contest, sponsored by Coors. Newt Gingrich is dressed as our first president – walking alongside Gingrich is Herman Cain, suited up in slave garb. Senator John McCain is also dressed like George Washington, but beside and him stands Jamie Foxx. Foxx who is sporting the same slave costume he wore in Quentin Tarantino’s movie “Dajango Unchained“. All of the Tea Party ladies are dressed like they’re starring in the movie “Gone With The Wind“.

The ladies are lining both sides of the street, watching the men all march down the roadway with their slaves. Ann Coulter is accompanied by Laura Ingraham – the pair are each holding fans. Ingraham turns to Coulter. “Herman is the best house Negro I’ve ever seen!” Coulter replied, “Laura…listen to me and listen very carefully. Herman may be the best house Negro, but is Newt the best George Washington? I mean…being George Washington means you can control both the slaves and our blessed country – all at the same time. Gringrich can talk the talk, but can he walk the talk?”

Ingragham smiled before bursting out in laughter, turning to Coulter. “Ann…there’s our winner!” Both ladies began to laugh hard, after spotting Governor Rick Perry dressed like George Washington, whipping singer Seal. While Governor Perry lashed at the singer with a horse whip, he screamed, “Boy…you should have never raped Heidi Klum!” Governor Perry cracked his whip on Seal’s back several more times. Continue Reading…

It’s day nine at the cabin…

Seated in the cabin’s dinning room, Senator John McCain is having a meeting with Governor Chris Christie. Just steps away from the men, Viola Davis pretends to dust the furniture while ease dropping on the pair’s conversation.

As Senator McCain and Governor Christie share a pot of tea, McCain crosses his legs. “I’m going to have the biggest party down here, on the plantation grounds. O’Reilly won the Cabin Commander award three years in a row, but this year, with me organizing the BET Spring Break jamboree, I’ll prove that nobody can control Negroes like me!”

Viola Davis immediately left the dinning room. That’s when Governor Christie nodded his head before placing his tea cup on the saucer, saying, “John, in order for our party to regain the people’s trust we must show the Negroes some compassion!”

Suddenly, the dining door swung open and an angry Bill O’Reilly entered the room – shouting at Governor Christie. “You get off these grounds now..you’re a Benedict Arnold…you have the nerve to lower the flag for a junkie pop singer…I want you off these grounds now!” Continue Reading…

It’s day eight at the Cabin…

House Negroes are rampant. There is partying across the cabin grounds. Tyler Perry is dressed as Madea, doing hula hoop tricks for Mitch McConnell and John Boehner.

The Speaker of the House, John Boehner, seems to not be amused with Tyler Perry’s antics, and his face is filled with disgust. Boehner reaches into his sports coat to pull out a flask and take a swig from it before addressing Tyler. “You’re not funny to me! Remember, it was the silly negroes who made you rich, not us!”

Mitch McConnell noticing Tyler wanted to cry tried to comfort him. “Tyler, don’t listen to him. You’re doing a good job. My grandchildren laugh at you all the time. I can’t speak for John, but I like to see Negro men in dresses!”

Not far away, Cee Lo Green is standing by the cabin’s outdoor lavatory – bare foot, sporting a Dashiki while singing his hit song “F*ck You“. This while Bruno Mars is dancing beside him. Bruno is bare-chest and wearing a Hawaiian grass skirt. Continue Reading…

It’s day seven at the cabin…

The grounds are buzzing with activity as the entertainment continues. Bill O’Reilly is enjoying the festivities, with his pal and protege Bret Baier. All of a sudden, O’Reilly spots GOP candidate Rick Santorum – who is going into the cabin’s on site barber shop, and says “Bret, let’s walk over to the barber shop. I want to have a little chat with Rick.”

Meanwhile, Senator McCain is taking part in a conference phone call with Dick Clark and Clive Davis. That’s when the good Senator laid back in his black leathery office chair, saying “Clive, I want you to bring down everyone who attended your pre-Grammy party.”

Dick Clark obviously wanted to voice his opinion, but his voice was overpowered by Clive Davis. “The Negroes are mad at me! They finally figured out I don’t care about them or their legends, and only care about money. I could get the silly Negroes to the cabin…all I have to tell them is that I’m having a party and their silly asses will show up!” Dick Clark, who was still trying to speak his opinion, was again overpowered, this time by Senator McCain who said, “Clive, I know the silly Negroes respect you. If you could get those silly Negroes who attended your pre-Grammy party down here, I’ll be real grateful!” Clive responded, “What’s in it for me?” McCain told him, “Next time our party gets into office, it will be for two presidential terms and you and your family would never have to pay taxes again. Plus, you could do or say whatever you want on Fox News!”

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is having a drink over at the cabin’s pub, joined by his wife, Callista. All of a sudden, Nene Leaks appears out of nowhere – sliding down a stripper pole and wearing a tutu with a see through G-string. Gingrich smiled and turned to his wife. “Do you think she’ll join us for a threesome?” Continue Reading…