Uncle Toms Cabin

Day 9 at the cabin…

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Colin Powell has accosted Flava Flav, grabbing the rapper by his shirt collar saying, “Give me all the drugs that you have or I’ll beat you down.” Flav replied, “I ain’t got no dope.” That’s when Powell smacked Flav across his face and said, “If you don’t give me the crack that Oliver North gave… I’ll choke you to death with your clock chain.”

Flav could tell Powell was dead serious, and became frightened…so he reached into his right pant pocket and said, “Here it is man…all of it…Halle Berry was going to buy all this shit off me…What I’m I going to tell Oliver?” Powell took the drugs out of Flava Flav’s hand and said, “You tell him you lost it and if you mention my name it will be the worst mistake you have ever made…because it will cost you your life!”

Meanwhile, Juan Williams is running up to every house Negro asking them, “When are we going to escape?” Everyone who Juan addressed asked the sell-out what he was talking about. Juan became convinced that there wasn’t going to be any escape after Charles Barkley explained, “Juan we all love this place…Why are you asking people when we’re going to escape? Are you fucking stupid? This place is home sweet home.” Juan began to cry saying, “I’m sorry for offending you Charles…you brought tears to my eyes when you said this place is home sweet home.” Barkley looked at Juan and said, “It’s okay buddy let’s go celebrate…eat some watermelon, and do the cooking dance with Puffy and Soulja Boy.”

Over on the cabin’s porch, Bill O’Reilly,Ted Nugent and John Kasich are seated while drinking lemonade. O’Reilly is telling both Nugent and Kasich, “What happened in Egypt is all Obama’s fault…the damn country could turn into another Iran for Christ sake.” Ted Nugent replied, “Bill if our boys were still in power we would have invaded Egypt a long time ago.” That’s when John Kasich joined in on the conversation and said, “We need to send Benny Hinn and Joel Osteen over there to let the Egyptian people know that Jesus is better than Allah.” Continue Reading…

Day 8 at the cabin…

Everyone at the plantation is filled with joy.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier can’t stop with laughing as he watches an angry LeVar Burton scream at Taye Diggs saying, “Never wear my Kunta Kinte outfit again Taye…I’m the original Kunta Kinte around here… And don’t you ever forget it!”

That’s when Newt Gingrich walked over to Bret, tapped him on his left shoulder and asked, “Isn’t this place the best?” Bret turned around and replied, “Of course it is!” A smiling Newt Gingrich looked Bret Baier right in his eyes and said, “What you see and what we have here is a scenario exactly like how our forefathers lived…isn’t it great that we can now live in a time of American history that most would love to forget?” Before Bret could answer Gingrich said, “Look at Puffy over there showing Mitt Romney how to do the Running Man dance…and if that’s not funny enough, look at Wayne Brady and Kenan Thomson having a coconut tree climbing race.”

Meanwhile over behind the cabin, Bill O’ Reilly screamed at the top of his lungs at Republican Christopher Lee telling him, “You’re an idiot Chris for sending shirtless pictures of yourself to some bimbo from Craiglist…you made your wife and the republican party look bad…pinhead!!!” O’Reilly then walked over to Juan Williams and said, “Juan you owe me…I trust you and I want you to do me a favor.” Juan looked O’Reilly right in the eyes and said, “I’ll do what you ask of me Bill…what is it?” O’Reilly replied, “I need you to be my spy Juan…I overheard Colin Powell and Michael Steele planning to escape from here and no one believes me…Can you get me some evidence?”

All of a sudden a voice echoed over the plantation grounds. It was coming from the P.A. system, and it was obviously the voice of Senator Lindsey Graham telling all the house Negroes not to talk to any of the guests until they were spoken to. Continue Reading…

Day 7 at the cabin…

UNCLE TOM’S CABIN RETREAT
3RD ANNUAL BLACK HISTORY MONTH CELEBRATION

The house Negroes remain quiet, causing Bill O’Reilly to become concerned. So, the Fox News commentator begins to snoop around the plantation. After ten-minutes of combing the cabin grounds, O’Reilly was about to give up when he spots James Earl Jones entering a barn. That’s when he decided to take a closer look…

O’Reilly was peeking through the wooden fence surrounding the barn when he saw Colin Powell and Michael Steele talking to the house Negroes. O’Reilly listened attentively as Colin Powell said, “I once worked for Bush and the good ole boys and they don’t like us…We must escape from this place.” Then, Michael Steele looked over at Will.i.am and said, “You have no damn excuse for wearing blackface and doing minstrel shows…Don’t you know they call us Nigga’s?” Will.i.am smiled as he looked at Michael Steel right in the eyes and said, “How am I going to stay paid and relevant? I don’t mind eating Jimmy Iovine’s leftover!s” Colin Powell walked over to Will.i.am and said, “Listen you little monkey you don’t know shit and I want you to know I have my eyes on you so don’t even try tattling!” That’s when Michael Steel added, “We’re going to act normal and act like good house Negroes but when I give the command we’re going to escape and revolt against our masters!”

That was all Bill O’Reilly needed to hear, so he left the barn area and ran as fast as he could to tell his colleagues what he had learned. The first person O’Reilly ran into was Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh became worried asking, “Bill why are you breathing so hard? Why are you out of breath?” O’Reilly replied, “I was at the barn and overheard Powell and Steele organizing a revolt!” Limbaugh began to laugh and said, “Bill are you crazy? Our Negroes love it here!”

Limbaugh walked away as O’Reilly screamed “You don’t believe me Rush…You think I’m crazy? Don’t you? But I’m not… It’s true the Negroes want to escape!”
Continue Reading…

UNCLE TOM’S CABIN RETREAT
3RD ANNUAL BLACK HISTORY MONTH CELEBRATION

Day 6 at the cabin… Most of the house Negroes are suffering from hangovers after celebrating Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday.

Bill O’Reilly is walking with Carlson Tucker before stopping and pointing his finger in Carlson’s face saying, “If you want to be like me you must learn not to take crap from guys like Jon Stewart!” That’s when the pair noticed rapper Rick Ross suited up in a correctional officer uniform, walking alongside Donald Rumsfeld. O’Reilly immediately turned to Carlson saying, “Excuse me I must have a man to man conversation with Donnie.”

<h3>Meanwhile on the cabin grounds, the silly house Negroes are having way too much fun. Bryant Gumbel and Larry Elder are bobbing for mangoes, Steve Harvey is bragging to Juan Williams about mistreating his wife, abusing his son and getting rich by being a hypocrite. Puffy can be seen teaching Britt Hume and Senator Mitch McConnell how to do the Stanky Leg dance.</h3>

O’Reilly approaches Rumsfeld asking, “Donnie can I have a word with you?” Rumsfeld displayed an evil smirk across his face and replied “What can I do for you?” O’Reilly took a step closer to Rumsfeld asking, “Can we talk around him?” Rumsfeld leaned his head to the side and explained, “Rick Ross is one of us Bill. That’s why he’s wearing a correctional officer uniform. Now say what you must.” That’s when O’Reilly replied, “I know there’s someone on this plantation who’s about to start selling crack and I want you to know because I find it to be un-American.” Rumsfeld laughed and replied, “O’Reilly don’t you know that I’m aware that there’s drugs on this plantation…For Christ’s sake Bill, my son was a drug addict and he might still be, but such is life…I have a war to fight and that’s to keep the darkies on dope…I’ll let you in on a little secret, Bill…I gave Oliver North the drugs to give to the Negroes so they all can get high, and guess what? I’ll lock them up and they’ll all have to pay me and Halliburton money to get out of jail…My urban war-like strategies are all in my new book ‘Known and Unknown’ didn’t you read it?”

Before O’Reilly could answer, a loud voice echoed over the plantation grounds. It was coming from the P.A. system, and it was obviously the voice of Senator Lindsey Graham telling all the house Negroes not to talk to any guests until they are spoken to. Continue Reading…

UNCLE TOM’S CABIN RETREAT
3RD ANNUAL BLACK HISTORY MONTH CELEBRATION

Day five at the cabin…. Everyone is having a pleasant time reenacting a time in American history that most of us would like to forget.

A huge party celebrating Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday is underway. Entertainment is everywhere — Taye Diggs is dressed like Kunta Kinte while running through the cabin grounds with a Pole Vault in an attempt to jump over 7 feet of cotton.

At the front of the cabin, Soulja Boy is sporting a pair of ripped up pants which are being held up with a rope that’s tied around his waist. He’s also wearing at least 12 necklaces, and is missing his shirt…He is reciting his poem Thank You For Slavery. One line from the poem immediately caught Glenn Becks attention. “If slavery never existed, I wouldn’t have tattoos…If slavery never existed, I wouldn’t have all of these diamond chains…If they didn’t bring me from Africa to be a slave in America today, I wouldn’t be a Lamborghini driving Nigga.” Glenn Beck smiled as he heard Soulja Boy’s poem and walked over to the rapper saying, “I’ve read a lot of poetry in my day…from Shakespeare to Edgar Allan Poe… but what you just recited brought tears to my eyes! Have you ever considered turning that poem of yours into a rap song?”

Meanwhile, Puffy is teaching Clearance Thomas and his wife Virginia his old dance The Harlem Shake and every other house Negro on the cabin’s grounds are getting drunk from Puffy’s new molasses flavored Ciroc…

Over at the nearby swamp grounds of the cabin, Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin are dressed in their hunting outfits, shooting blanks at Lamar Odom as the NBA baller heads through an obstacle course, swinging on monkey bars still dressed in his slave garb (his L.A. Lakers uniform). As Cheney aims his riffle at Odom’s chest he turns to Sarah saying, “I like Lamar.” Sarah laughed asking, “Why do you like Lamar, Dick?” Cheney looked at Sarah with a smirk on his face saying, “Because he spends all his NBA money on white women…That’s why.”

Continue Reading…