Dr Dre & Snoop Dogg Check into the 2012 Cabin Retreatby Jacky Jasper
It’s day twelve at the cabin…
All of the cabin workers are busy putting the finishing touches on the auditorium, as the stage is being set-up for the BET Spring Break celebration.
Bill O’Reilly is walking the auditorium floor with Clive Davis – when suddenly, the pair come to a stop. O’Reilly turned to the music mogul and says, “Clive, I know McCain wants a huge urban shindig, and there’s nothing wrong with that because I want it too! But Clive, I also want something for our boys and girls to enjoy – So I’ve arranged the CMT Awards right here on the cabin grounds!”
Clive Davis began to rub his chin with his right hand before replying. “Bill, what does CMT mean?” O’Reilly smiled as he explained. “Cabin’s Most Talented…oh, and only Caucasian artists can perform! I want to make sure guys like Hank Williams Jr., Toby Keith and Dave Mustaine get some sort of award! Clive, I’m dead serious…I don’t want to see any Ryan Seacrest stuff down here…No Simon Cowell or Glee stuff either. Carrie Underwood will open the show, Miranda Lambert will close it.”
Davis immediately removed his glasses. While wiping the lenses of his spectacles clean, he replied, “Are you saying you don’t want any homosexual activity Bill?” O’Reilly pointed his index finger of his left hand at Davis’ face and shouted, “You’re damn right!!!“
Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are seated in the cabin’s cafe, taking a break from their hunt. That’s when the men are approached by Oliver North. Oliver North pulled himself up a seat. Once seated comfortably, North addressed the pair. “How’s the hunt going, fellas? Did you kill Coolio yet?” Cheney smirked before speaking out. “The Negro is a fast runner, so Don set up a bear trap deep in the woods – and we caught him!” Rumsfeld immediately interrupted Cheney, to add his two cents. “He may be fast, but the trap caught him! As he was squirming, Ollie, I walked up to the Negro and I scalped him!”
An evil grin filled Cheney’s face before he spoke again. “Donny, show him Coolio’s braids!” Rumsfeld reached into his hunting jacket and pulled out Coolio’s two braids. Oliver North immediately asked, “So where is the rest of Coolio?” Rumsfeld replied, “After I took him out of the bear trap, he bit me and escaped. We shot at the boy, but them Negroes are faster than a giraffe being chase by a lion!!!”
Meanwhile, the all house Negroes are competing against each other – to see who speaks, walks and acts like a Caucasian the best. Will.i.am is filled with so much excitement that he began dancing around. This while Levar Burton and Wayne Brady watch in jealousy. That’s when Brady turns to Burton, saying, “Will is proving to be an ideal house Negro! I remember back when I was the best house Negro.”
Burton replied, “I too was once the best house Negro…before Lionel Richie took my spot.“ Brady replied, “Who do you think is going to take Will.i.am.’s spot?”
Then, Herman Cain entered the contest – wearing a red suit with a star spangled banner vest, smiling and holding a super size Godfather’s pizza. Brady looked on as Burton said, “Herman is the man to beat..not even Will.i.am can surpass him! Herman is this year’s best house Negro…hands down!”
All of a sudden, a voice echoes over the plantation grounds. It’s coming from the P.A. system, and is obviously the voice of Senator Mitch McConnell telling all the House Negroes not to speak until spoken to.
Rick Perry is dressed as Davy Crockett, holding an M-16 while marching towards the look-out tower. Appearing out of nowhere, a jeep with the Housewives of Atlanta riding inside rode past him.
Marlo Hampton stood up inside the jeep, and screamed at Rick Perry, “I suck good dick, ask Ted Turner!”
Senator John McCain is making his way to the plantation’s entrance, whistling his favorite song “America the Beautiful” – but he abruptly stopped, after the heard car horns. That’s when, the Senator began running to the plantation’s entrance. Once he got there, he spotted the Interscope Records tour bus.
After taking a closer look, Senator McCain discovered Jimmy Iovine sitting behind the driver’s seat, wearing a pair of headphones. That’s when the bus doors opened. Akon was the first to exit. Jimmy Iovine was next off the bus, and McCain approached him saying, “Nice to have you Jimmy. I admire how you keep your Negroes in their place. It’s impressive how you took Negro money and made groups like No Doubt successful! By the way, Clive Davis is here. He’d like to speak to you.”
Before Jimmy Iovine could reply, McCain spotted Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre – so he ran over to the pair to address them. “Hey boys…Don’t think for one second that I’m afraid of you! Long Beach and Compton can’t compare to Vietnam! The plantation is no different than your summer concert at Coachella. You will be entertaining white people and when you’re done, you’ll go back and tell all of your Negro friends it’s cool to get high, drunk and have unprotected sex!”
Dr Dre was about to reply, when Senator McCain pulled his right hand from behind his back and handed both Dre and Snoop plates containing pickled pork butt with a mongoose salad and guava Snapples to wash it down with.
Dr Dre looked at Senator McCain and asked, “You wanna pair of headphones?” McCain replied, “Keep those things in your neighborhood! We use IPODS!”
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