Judge Clarence Thomas Checks in for the 2012 Uncle Tom’s Cabin Retreat

by Jacky Jasper

It’s day four at the cabin…

Karl Rove is walking along with Mitt Romney towards Debra Lee, as Rove comments. “Debra you’ve arranged what could be the best BET Spring Break event ever, here on the cabin grounds. I love that Mitt and I are performing!” Debra smiled, and before she could respond Mitt Romney added his two cents. “I want an all black choir behind me when I sing ‘America The Beautiful’. I also want Cee Lo Green beside me, shaking a pink tambourine.” Rove smirked and chimed in. “Hey Mitt, have Cee Lo playing the piano, while dressed like Elton John…it will land you all the gay votes!”

Meanwhile, Herman Cain is sitting with Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney. That’s when Donald looked to Herman Cain to address him. “Hey Herman, what’s troubling you?” Herman replied, “That rapper Coolio was trying to put two scoops of crack cocaine in my watermelon and chicken pizza, and I’m upset!” Cheney replied, “Coolio has drugs on the cabin grounds..,“ Rumsfeld took a sip of his coffee and replied “The cabin grounds are expected to be packed with a lot of house Negroes this year. We’re gonna be over populated, so we need a lot of narcotics to keep our Negroes high! A huge prison compound and a good Negro hunt.” Herman said, “I’ve heard what both of you gentlemen have to say, but you both forgot to mention alcohol…Negroes love liquor and bass music! That’s exactly why we need Puffy down here.” Rumsfeld replied, “Herman you get Puffy, and I’ll get sheriff Joe Arpaio!“

Standing at the cabin pond is Bill O’Reilly, Governor Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich. Gingrich is angry and complaining about Mitt Romney. O’Reilly turns to Gingrich. “Newt get over it and let’s focus on beating Obama!” Gingrich replied, “Haley and I both worked for Ronald Regan, and I know it takes a Christian man like myself to destroy an Islamic country like Iran.” That’s when Haley Barbour said, “Boys look over there, by the barn.”

The three men spotted Octavia Spencer, dressed like a prostitute, trying to solicit Rupert Murdoch and his son, James. Octavia Spencer addressed the pair. “You boys wanna buy some p*ssy?”

All of a sudden, a voice rang out over the plantation grounds. It’s coming from the P.A. system, and is obviously the voice of Senator Mitch McConnell telling all the House Negroes not to speak to the guests until spoken to.

Bret Baier runs over to Bill O’Reilly. “Hey Bill, I’m wearing a Mickey Freeman suit just like you!” O’Reilly replied, “You looking sharper than Hannity, but why didn’t you tell me Rick Perry is on his way to the look out tower?”

As O’Reilly and Baier peered at Governor Rick Perry walking towards the cabin’s look out tower while holding an M16, they also noticed Senator John McCain making his way to the plantation’s entrance. Baier immediately spoke out. “O’Reilly, I’ll bet you a famous house Negro is arriving!”

Senator McCain seemed a little confused, because a tour bus wrapped in the Telemundo logo playing Salsa music pulled up just a few feet away from where he’s standing. Exiting the bus is Judge Clarence Thomas.

McCain says, “What’s with the Latino theme, Clarence?” Before the judge could respond, Governor Brain Scandoval jumped off the bus, saying, “Surprise!!! Some of us Latinos are sell outs too!”

That’s when Carlos Mencia stuck his head out of a tour bus window, announcing, “I’ll work for free!” McCain looked at Clarence Thomas. “Good job, Clarence! You know we need the Latinos to beat Obama!”

Before Clarence Thomas could speak, Senator McCain handed him a plate containing pickled pig tongue, collard greens and a slice of cornbread with a watermelon Snapple to wash it down. Judge Clarence Thomas took a look at the cabin as the singer Seal picked up his luggage and said “Senator McCain I’m happy to be home!”

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