Love & Hiphop Cast Checks into the 2012 Uncle Tom’s Cabin Retreatby Jacky Jasper
It’s day eleven at the cabin…
Bill O’Reilly is driving a golf cart, Rick Ross, who is suited up in his CO gear and holding an Uzi is standing on one side of the moving vehicle, while Shaquille O’Neal stands on the other side of the golf cart, holding a semi-automatic and dressed as a Miami police officer.
O’Reilly pulls the golf cart up to the camp grounds named in honor of Mitt Romney, who is sitting having a picnic along with 30 of his Mormon relatives.
Romney stands up and walks over to the Bill O’Reilly saying, “Bill, nice for you to come by…but what’s with the bodyguards?” O’Reilly pointed his finger in the Governor’s face saying, “Sheriff Paul Babeu is on your team and he’s gay…he’s gay, Mitt..and it’s making our party look bad! That’s why Rick Santorum became the party favorite.” Romney ran his right hand through his hair and replied, “Bill, that’s Arpaio’s man…I figured Joe would have cleaned up this mess for me!” O’Reilly leaned his head to one side and said, “That’s not Joe’s problem…It’s yours, Mitt! Your religious baptisms were performed on dead holocaust Jews..You’re finished!”
Mitt Romney’s face turned cherry red. He was about to attack O’Reilly, but correctional officer Rick Ross jumped off the golf cart and punched Romeny in the face (wearing brass knuckles). O’Reilly laughed at Romey saying, “Look at you Mitt, you’re laying on the floor! I disrespected you in front of your family and there’s nothing you can do about it!” O’Reilly drove off in his golf cart with his two negro bodyguards laughing…
Meanwhile, Senator John McCain is sitting in the cabin’s patio, while Lil John is pouring him a glass of lemonade. the Senator is approached by Carlos Mencia (who’s dressed in a decorative poncho and rags for pants). “Mr McCain, can us sell out Latinos perform at the BET Spring Break? Mr. McCain, we need a break too! I can tap dance just like Wayne Brady…Shit!!! I can eat watermelon quicker than Soulja Boy! You gotta give us a chance, Mr. McCain!”
Before McCain could answer Carlos Mencia, Bill O’Reilly pulled up in front of the patio with the golf cart and his two negro bodyguards. Bill O’Reilly exits the golf cart. While the Fox News man is marching up the patio stairs, he’s shouts, “Mencia! Get the hell out of here and go pick me some oranges!”
At the cabin’s auditorium…Clive Davis, Pat Buchanan and Debra Lee are having a meeting. Davis begins to speak. “This year, we’re going to put on the biggest house negro celebration! I’m inviting every house Negro I know to this year’s BET Spring Break. This is going to be huge!” Pat Buchanan started laughing and said, “Clive, those silly house negroes always listen to you!” Debra Lee interjected. “Gentlemen, I’d like to thank you both for this opportunity…us house negroes will be forever grateful…this is going to give my station big ratings!”
All of a sudden, a voice echoes over the plantation grounds. It’s coming from the P.A. system, and is obviously the voice of Senator Mitch McConnell telling all the house negroes not to speak until spoken to.
As Rick Perry was walking towards the look out tower (dressed like JR Ewing from the classic television show), he’s toting an M-16. Herman Cain runs by past Governor Perry screaming. “Mr. McCain…Mr. McCain…Mona Scott Young and the rest of the Love & Hip Hop cast’s tour bus is coming! I can hear Jim Jones screaming “Ballin”…hurry Mr. McCain..hurry!”
While the Senator walks in the direction of the plantation’s entrance, the VH1 tour bus pulled up inches away from the Senator’s feet. The tour bus is wrapped with the logo of the Love & Hip Hop cast. Standing on top of the bus is Jim Jones and his mother Nancy. Nancy is dancing to Jones only hit song “Ballin“…
Olivia Longott first exits the bus, followed by Kimbella. Once Senator McCain locked eyes on Chrissy Lampkin, he rushed over to her and tapped her on her left shoulder. When Chrissy turned around, he handed her a plate containing pickled pig scrotum with a serving of muskrat soup and a mango Snapple to wash it down with.
Jim Jones’ mother jumped from the top of the bus to plantation ground to address Senator McCain. In a raspy voice, she said, “I heard there’s a lot of young boys down here at the cabin!”
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