Music’s Leading Bad Boy Checks In…by Jacky Jasper
Retreat attendees are filled with excitement as they celebrate Presidents’ Day. Tea party members and hardcore right wing republicans have chosen to commemorate by dressing up as America’s founding fathers.
Senators John McCain, Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham quickly discover all three of them are suited up as the same President, George Washington — after the trio bumped into each other on the cabin’s patio. McCain took a step back before addressing Graham and McConnell.
“Great minds think alike!” McConnell chuckled, as Senator Lindsey Graham turned around to notice Byron Allen walking the cabin grounds, dressed like Abraham Lincoln. “That boy over there is dressed like one of the founding fathers and I don’t like it one bit,” Graham exclaimed. “It makes me sick to my stomach!”
Herman Cain made his entrance onto the patio, dressed like an 1812-era house Negro. And, in true slave fashion, Herman served each of the three senators a glass of cold lemonade to quench their thirst. That’s when the sharp slave overheard Senator Lindsey Graham complaining about Byron Allen’s attire, sparking Herman to weigh in on the conversation. “Ya’ll gonna stand around here and let some Hollywood show-boating Negro walk around these cabin grounds dressed like President Lincoln? If ya’ll don’t act upon it I’m going to tell Mr. Jack Welch or Wayne Lapieer, because enough is enough!”
Just a few steps away…YMCMB and Maybach Music members began dancing across the plantation grounds — as Ted Nugent watched over the Presidents’ Day Jamboree from the cabin’s towers, holding an M16A2 Assault Rifle.
All of a sudden…Lil Wayne is witnessed skateboarding up to Justin Bieber to show the pop sensation how to Laser Flip a skateboard while popping two hits of Mollys. Bryan “Birdman” Williams immediately noticed the skateboarding pair from the sideline, as the YMCMB CEO looked on while getting a neck massage for rapper Lil Twist.
As the party revved into full swing, DJ Khaled scurried over to his turntables and grabbed his mic to make an announcement. “We’re the best!” The Negroes went crazy, and started to do “The Harlem Shake.” That’s when Wayne LaPierre grabbed his grandson’s right hand and said, “Hold this Uzi M11a1, and if these darkies get out of hand squeeze the trigger!”
During the commotion, Spike Lee can be seen giving out sample bottles of Absolut Brooklyn vodka. After taking a shot, a drunken Drake walked around with Joe Budden’s ex-girlfriend, Tahiry Jose. Mona Scott Young spotted the Canadian lyricist before Turing to Shaunie O’Neal to whisper, “Does Drake know she’s infested with herpes?”
Suddenly, a loud voice started to come from the P.A. system. It was the voice of Fox News anchor Chris Wallace making an announcement. “Visitors are approaching the cabin grounds…I repeat…visitors are approaching our cabin grounds!”
Wayne LaPierre pulled up in a Rickshaw – being pulled by Michael Strahan over to Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly. “Tell Judge Antonin Scalia that showboating Negro Bryon Allen is going to trial,” Wayne demanded. “And, tell all our people the Negroes are getting drunk — so get your guns, cause that’s why we made them!”
Before Michael Strahan could continue pulling the Rickshaw to the checkpoint, a dozen Phantom Bentley’s began to approach the grounds. Bad Bad Records CEO Sean “Puffy” Combs exited one of the freshly parked vehicles screaming, “I’m suing everybody because I trademarked ‘The Harlem Shake’! Them Korean Nigg-as better pay me my money! Imma punch Spike in his face because I paid Roger Ailes a ton of money for this Jamboree to be sponsored by Ciroc!”
Senator Mitch McConnell walked over and tapped Puffy on his right shoulder. “Calm down Sean.” Puffy did just that as he accepted a plate of stirred web Beaver feet sprinkled with garlic seasoning, squirrel tongue and pickled raccoon rectum with a can of Pepsi to wash it down.
Can you guess the next guest to arrive to Uncle Tom’s Cabin?