The 2012 Uncle Tom’s Cabin BET Jamboree Finaleby Jacky Jasper
It’s the last day at the cabin…
The CMT (Cabin’s Most Talented Award) ceremony is coming to an end. Following Miranda Lambert’s performance, Bill O’Reilly proceeds to the stage to accept his well-deserved crown. The Fox Newsman receives a standing ovation for putting together the CMT award show. O’Reilly proudly approaches the microphone before saying, “If BET can have an award show without us, why can’t we have an award show without them?!?”
Rush Limbaugh immediately jumped out of his seat and shouted, “You tell them Bill!” O’Reilly pulls a mono-gram encrusted handkerchief out of his suit jacket to wipe his forehead while saying, “The two gay marines who got caught kissing on Facebook…Sgt. Brandon Morgan and his gay lover Dalan Wells, are an embarrassment to our army! I made some calls and those queers have been served with discharge papers!” The crowd promptly rose to their feet. Once they started to calm down Toby Keith jumped out of his seat and started yelling, “Let’s lynch the Negroes and the fags!” O’Reilly smiled and continued to speak, ”Tonight, Senator Mitt Romney will be singing ‘America the Beautiful’ at the BET Spring Break…we need the Negro vote, and then we can stop Obama! To ensure we land Latino votes, I told them tonight they can share the stage with the Negroes. I also told JLO to make sure she wears a dress that will reveal her nipples.”
That’s when Newt Gingrich jumped out of his seat shouting, “Bill, will Jennifer join Callista and I for a threesome?“
O’Reilly smirked before continuing his speech. “Herman Cain was undoubtedly this year’s best house negro!” O’Reilly then looked into the crowd and pointed at Herman Cain, before continuing to speak. “I wish there were more negro’s like you!” Herman stood up and shouted, “Bill, let’s not forget…I’m training P. Diddy!” O’Reilly laughed again before returning to his speech. “The CMT awards is for us, but let’s be sure to investigate what the silly Negroes are doing over at the BET Spring Break. Oh, and let’s not forget to support Mitt!!!”
Meanwhile, on the cabin’s exterior grounds… George Lopez has just arrived in a pink corvette. The obviously angered comedian exiting the vehicle spots Carlos Mencia, and runs over to his fellow funny man, shouting, “You think you can kiss ass better than me Carlos? I came down here to stop you homes! You, Marc Anthony and Pitbull need to get out my lane homes!” Lopez smacked Mencia’s on his face before grabbing his decorative poncho, saying, “I’m the only Latino to land a talk show, homes! I’m like the Latino version of Arsenio, not you…You fucking peasant!”
Not far away… The BET Spring Break jamboree is underway. Kanye West and Jay Z are performing their hit song “Niggas in Paris“. Kanye is sporting a plaid school girls skirt while jumping across the stage. All of a sudden, P. Diddy interrupts the pair’s act – riding on a swinging giant bottle of Ciroc that’s hovering over the middle of the stage. Jay Z immediately dropped his mic and walked off the stage. P. Diddy picked up that very microphone, before shouting at a walking Jay Z. “You just had a baby…I already done that! I got like a thousand kids…You got Bey..I had JLO and I’m smashing Cameron Diaz…Walk Nicca, walk..Cause I won an Oscar this past weekend..Top that…top that…top that!”
Diddy then turned to Kanye and shouted, “Take off that skirt, because I was the first Nigga to rock a skirt!” Kanye, apparently filled with fear (as Jay Z wasn’t around), ran off the stage. That left P Diddy standing alone on the stage, so he began to make an announcement. “Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Debra Lee…” The grandiose crowd of house Negro’s rose to their feet clapping, as Debra approached the stage.
Back at the cabin… 50 Cent pulls up at the plantation entrance, driving a Ferrari. Seated in the passenger seat is Floyd Mayweather. While peering through the windshield, 50 Cent spots Chuy Bravo. 50 immediately drives over to the area where the sell out Latino midget was standing. Once there, 50 Cent rolled down his car window and said, “Chuy I need to trick on a white women. You seen Chelsea Handler?”
Back at the BET Spring Break jamboree…Mitt Romney is on stage singing ‘America the Beautiful‘ – accompanied by an all black choir. Leading the choir is Cee Lo Green, who is dressed like Tarzan shaking a tambourine. Nicki Minaj, who is also in the choir is dressed like the Statue of Liberty – standing on stage in a frozen pose. Bryan “Baby” Williams is sitting in Drake’s wheelchair, while Drake is dressed like Tonto, sitting on Baby’s lap. Lil Wayne drank too much codeine, so he’s passed out on the far right end of the auditorium stage. And, Octavia Spencer is dressed like her “The Help” character, crying while holding an Oscar trophy.
Investigating the BET event… Senator Lindsey Graham began to cry as he was seated next to Pat Buchanan. Buchanan started to look worried, so he turned to Senator Graham. “Lindsey, are you okay?” Senator Graham used his right hand to wipe his dripping tears and replied, “Pat, seeing silly bicentennial Negro’s makes me cry.”
Over on the plantation parking lot… Senator McCain, John Boehner, Rick Santorum, Clive Davis, Rupert Murdoch and Herman Cain are packing their luggage into their vehicles. Boehner is looking at Herman Cain as he takes a drink from his flask and shouts, “Herman…why are you leaving so early? Don’t you want to stick around for the negro jamboree?” Herman Cain smiled and replied, “John, those negro’s are about to get drunk! P Diddy and Spike Lee are handing out free vodka drinks! Jamie Foxx is dressed like Wanda, because they’re about to have a Never Happened party. I’m getting outta of here…I got more pizza to make, and more cheating on my wife to do. In a way I’m like Newt!” The entire group of men burst out into laughter.
That’s when Santorum looked at Clive Davis and said, “Clive, why are you leaving so early?” Clive replied, “I already made my money off the silly negro’s. Herman is right, any minute now Jim Jones and his mother Nancy can get drunk and violent.” Senator McCain pulled out his cellphone to call Mitch McConnell. “Mitch, get our people out of here! This could get dangerous! I don’t want to take any chances.”
All of a sudden, a voice echoes over the plantation grounds. It’s coming from the P.A. system, and it’s obviously the voice of Senator Mitch McConnell telling all the Caucasian Americans to evacuate the plantation.
Back at the BET Spring Break jamboree…Bill O’Reilly is walking onto the stage while Quincy Jones is exiting stage right. O’Reilly grabs Jones by his left arm and said, “I admire you…I can’t decide between you and Herman… you’re both perfect house negro’s…But Quincy you stand out, you married a bunch of times but you never married a black woman…That says a lot!” Before Quincy Jones could answer, Bill O’Reilly walked away and got hold of the microphone, saying. “It was fun this year at the cabin…we achieved a lot…You are the richest negro’s in America, yet you do nothing for black America… that’s why you’re here! We love you. Puffy is handing out free Ciroc, Gucci Mane and T.I. are handing out the extacy pills…I see it all, but I don’t care it’s your night. It’s negro night!”
The crowd rose to their feet, clapping. O’Reilly continued to speak. “Us white folks are leaving the cabin grounds, so you guys can kill each other and damage the place…burn it down like you did Detroit, we expect you to. And remember to spend your money on foolish miscellaneous things. Spend that money right, buy my Factor gear (coffee mugs, doormats, hats and jackets). Today’s word is Vanity…You house Negroes know a lot about that word…Vote Romney, and see you all next year!”