It’s day ten at the cabin…
A Presidents Day celebration is underway. Everyone is partaking in a George Washington with slave contest, sponsored by Coors. Newt Gingrich is dressed as our first president – walking alongside Gingrich is Herman Cain, suited up in slave garb. Senator John McCain is also dressed like George Washington, but beside and him stands Jamie Foxx. Foxx who is sporting the same slave costume he wore in Quentin Tarantino’s movie “Dajango Unchained“. All of the Tea Party ladies are dressed like they’re starring in the movie “Gone With The Wind“.
The ladies are lining both sides of the street, watching the men all march down the roadway with their slaves. Ann Coulter is accompanied by Laura Ingraham – the pair are each holding fans. Ingraham turns to Coulter. “Herman is the best house Negro I’ve ever seen!” Coulter replied, “Laura…listen to me and listen very carefully. Herman may be the best house Negro, but is Newt the best George Washington? I mean…being George Washington means you can control both the slaves and our blessed country – all at the same time. Gringrich can talk the talk, but can he walk the talk?”
Ingragham smiled before bursting out in laughter, turning to Coulter. “Ann…there’s our winner!” Both ladies began to laugh hard, after spotting Governor Rick Perry dressed like George Washington, whipping singer Seal. While Governor Perry lashed at the singer with a horse whip, he screamed, “Boy…you should have never raped Heidi Klum!” Governor Perry cracked his whip on Seal’s back several more times.
Meanwhile…over at the cabin’s swamp, Bill O’Reilly and Fox News anchor Eric Bolling are dressed like hunters. O’Reilly says, “Eric…right now I feel like the NYPD, and when I see Coolio I’m going to treat him like Sean Bell!” Eric Bolling replied, “Be quiet Bill…this Negro hunt is more fun that I thought!” O’Reilly asked, “Is this your first Negro hunt Eric? I must admit, when you called Whitney Houston a crackhead last week on national television it kinda reminded me of myself. I want you to be my protege!”
All of a sudden, a voice echoes over the plantation grounds. It’s coming from the P.A. system, and is obviously the voice of Senator Mitch McConnell telling all the House Negroes not to speak until spoken to. Governor Perry is toting an M-16, and dressed like John Wayne in “True Grit” – while running towards the lookout tower…
Senator McCain and Pat Buchanan are heading towards the plantation’s entrance, McCain says, “Pat…I like your Lincoln costume!” Buchanan replied, “John…I like your Washington costume.” In a soft voice, McCain says to Buchanan, “MSNBC firing you will not stop our revolution.” Buchanan replied, “White men in America will not survive past the year 2025. John, we must blame homosexuality and interracial marriage…birth control is killing us…we need to breed kids like the Chinese, Latinos and Negroes…John, contraception is killing the white race!”
Suddenly, a pair of speeding Ferrari’s pulled up inches away from Senator McCain – before the drivers exited the vehicles. Out of the yellow Ferrari, comes rapper Gucci Mane saying, “Burr Burr“.
Out of the red Ferrari, Waka Flocka Flame emerges saying, “Waka, Waka, Waka, Flame!”
Senator McCain immediately turned to Pat Buchanan. “The Ferrari Boyz are here…and they’re hungry. Watch this Pat!” Then Senator walked up to Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame and handed the pair plates containing pig snout with pickled pig testicles and a mango Snapples to wash it down with.
Gucci Mane looked at Senator McCain saying, “We ain’t late for the BET Spring Break…Is we?“
Uncle Tom’s Cabin Retreat is brought to you by: Fox News, Snapple and Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae