Day 3 @ The 2013 Retreat
The plantation’s attendees are filled with joy – as members of the Tea Party, Fox News, and the Republican party are celebrating their favorite time in American history — which most of us would love to forget.
Sean Hannity and his filmmaker buddy Glenn Beck are gearing up to begin the filming of their movie “Fistful of Apes“. They’ve got the perfect backdrop, but there’s one problem — there’s still few Negroes to cast. As the pair stood on the grounds brainstorming, Bill O’Reilly walked over to them. That’s when Hannity and Beck notices the Fox Newsman was dressed
like Steve Irwin, holding a megaphone in his right hand.
“You’re making a movie,” said Bill. “And there are very few Negroes here on the plantation to cast.” Hanninty raised an eybrow before speaking. “What are you getting at Bill?” O’Reilly turned around looked to peer over the cabin grounds and turned to Glenn and Sean. “We’re going to cast white people and go blackface for this film.” Bill exclaimed. “And I’m the new director of this movie!”
Meanwhile at the Cabin’s porch…
Mike Huckabee and Ted Nuget’s band “The Pillow Cases” are playing their instruments as Hank Williams Jr. sings “America The Beautiful.” All of a sudden, Wayne LaPierre interrupted the band as he jumped onto the patio stage with his “M16”, tapped Hank Williams on his left shoulder and said “I got something to say to the people.” Silence filled the room as Hank Williams and the band looked dumbfounded. LaPierre made his way over to the microphone to address the crowd.
“People…I like Ted and Mike’s music…it’s all I know and it’s the only music I’ll ever need to know…but we have a problem…we lost last election because we missed the color votes!“
The crowd began to roar in response to the statement. LaPierre continued to speak.
“Maybach Music is here…Ted, Hank and Mike as much as I love you guys Imma have to ask you to leave the stage because my grandson is here with his friends and he wants to see DJ Khaled. I know DJ Khaled looks like a terrorist, but he’s on our side…DJ Khaled and his Negro friends are now in charge of all the music festivities on this here plantation…Cuz we need more coloreds in our party!”
Suddenly, a loud voice started to come from the P.A. system. It was Fox News anchor Chris Wallace making an announcement. “Visitors are approaching the cabin grounds…I repeat…visitors are approaching our cabin grounds!”
Paul Ryan was suited up in a sweat suit as he dropped to floor to do one hundred push-ups, before walking over to Wayne LaPierre. “I wanna come with you when to pick up our next Negro guest.” LaPierre turned to Ryan to reply. “Go tell Senator McConnell we got a darkie coming…tell the senator to order Herman to make one of them fresh plates for our guest…and tell my porch monkey Mike Strahan to get his monkey ass over here!”
Senator Mich McConnell immediately headed for the cabin’s exit. He’s holding a lemonade drink in his right hand, padding his forehead with his confederation flag handkerchief – shouting, “LaPierre get over here!” As LaPierre walked towards the senator, he shouts, “Do we got one of them showboating Grammy Negroes coming?” Mitch McConnell interjected. “Justin Timberlake is coming! And, he’s bringing his buddy Jay Z and his Roc-Nation artist…we gonna steal votes next election….Jay Z loves money so much, he’s like the next Hernan Cain!” LaPierre screamed over at DJ Khaled, “Play Niggas In Paris. Now!”
A fleet of Lamborghini’s pulled up in front of Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Mitch McConnell – who was dressed like President James Madison – approached the vehicles saying, “These are not American cars, so I’m hoping you brought these Communist cars down here to be burned.” Ted Nugent shouted, “We like to burn things.”
A car door opens, and Kanye West is seated beside a pregnant Kim Kardashian. Kanye immediately addressed Mitch McConnell. “We want to have our baby on this plantation…it’s special and I brought all my friends too.”
Kanye then turned his head to address those in the cars behind him. “Drake, get out here and show some respect!” By the time Kanye West turned back around, McConnell hands he and Kim Kardashian two plates of spicy pig belly, stirred in curry, and pickled Muskrat rectum…with a can of Pepsi to wash it down.
Kim Kardashian smiled. “Thank you Mitch.” The senator replied, “We were expecting Jay Z. but we are happy to accommodate you.”
Drake walked up to Kanye and said, “This is the place my dad was always talking about..Ye this place is better than the Grammys…cuz we started from the bottom and now we’re here!”
Can you guest who’s next to check in?