Uncle Tom’s Cabin Retreat 2013 Kicks Off!by Jacky Jasper
Attendees To Revamp Slave Movie History…
The doors to Uncle Tom’s Cabin may be wide open for this year’s NRA/Fox News jointly sponsored celebration, but Herman Cain is the only leading silly Negro that’s made it to the plantation grounds for the first day of festivities. Know why? Because most of Cain’s compardres are just now making their way from New Orleans after partying at the Superdome for Super Bowl 2013.
You may remember Bill O’Reilly closed last year’s retreat, urging attendees to “Vote Romney!”. Now, one year later, the plantation grounds are flourishing with more cotton, bearing more watermelon patches — and housing additional alligators, more mosquitoes and apparently newly-rabid rats!
As the first set of retreat attendees make their way up the hidden path and through the gates to the cabin grounds, Glenn Beck grabs a microphone to offer a welcoming greeting to all.
“Ladies and gentlemen…welcome. We’ve got a special set of events lined up this year,” Beck announced in excitement. “We have confirmed Rick Ross will be joining us — and DMX will be smoking crack in our film – which is currently in pre-production – set in the early 1800′s. We are gearing up to shoot, but all of our Negroes have not yet arrived as most of them are now commuting from last night’s Super Bowl festivities. But, have no fear…our star of “Fistful Of Apes” did not disappoint! He’s here now! My fellow Republicans, I bring you Mr. Herman Cain.”
Herman Cain proudly emerges from the crowd, sporting a smirk across his face. He walks over to Glenn Beck before grabbing the mic to address the crowd.
“I love Django — and we’re gonna trump it!”
Cain is forced to turn up his voice volume to speak over the crowd’s roar.
“I’ve seen Jamie Foxx play the angry slave, but you’ll see I am the best slave. In our movie, my character invents the ‘Chitlins Pizza’. His name is “Midnight” – and I die onscreen for my master, played by Dennis Miller.
My favorite scene is when the angry Negroes get drunk before heading for my Master’s daughters. I attack all the angry slaves and kill them with a Colt AR-15 — all while my master watched and ate dinner with his family.”
Meanwhile…Senator John McCain has exited a parked vehicle, taking a stroll towards the cabin’s entrance. Bill O’Reilly is close by, waving a huge confederate flag — as Toby Keith gives his rendition of The Star Spangled Banner. After the National Anthem wrapped, O’Reilly draped the flag on the mic saying, “Toby Keith is all American! He doesn’t lip sync like Obama’s mistress does.”
McCain stood at ease as Gov. Jan Brewer motioned to Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity to gather around McCain. “Hey boys! You guys get over here!” Hannity scurries over, eager to speak. “Glenn and I are heading the movie project, because that Hollywood crap movie is a damn lie,” Sean continues. “No Negro would dare kill any of my ancestors without getting what’s rightfully due.” Beck picked up the drop. “Fistful Of Apes” is nothing like Tarantino’s flick, our slaves will be getting whipped with real whips and our slaves actors are all going to like it.”
As the crowds attention begins to wane, they eagerly make their way outside the cabin to hear what the men have to say. That’s when O’Reilly addressed the crowd. ”Get settled in folks…come Wednesday, we’ll have all of our house Negroes here. Till then, let’s gear up for some 1812 fun!!!”
Tell us which celebrities you wish to see visit Uncle Tom’s Cabin festivities.