Uncle Tom’s Cabin Welcomes Condoleezza Rice!


2011 Uncle Toms Cabin Retreat


It’s opening day at Uncle Tom’s Cabin, a plantation equipped with with cotton fields, watermelon patches, and a look out tower – standing tall over a murky swamp that’s filled with alligators, mosquito’s and rodents (all imported from Africa and South America).

This year’s festivities at the retreat are fictionally sponsored by Coors Brewery, Snapple and Fox News.

Everyone is filled with excitement because this year, Rush Limbaugh will be broadcasting live from the retreat. That’s where tap dancers being lead by Will.i.am dance and sing to the sounds of a classic slave song (written back in 1867 by William Francis Allen), while the band is conducted by Wynton Marsalis playing “There’s A Meeting Here To-Night” for all on the cabin grounds to enjoy.

After the Fox News helicopter landed, Bill O’Reilly was the first to exit the aircraft screaming “I need a boy to carry my bags.” As Glenn Beck, Dick Morris, Sean Hannity and Roger Ailes were exiting the chopper, Flav Flav ran over yelling at the top of his lungs “Yeah boy” before he picked-up O’Reilly’s luggage and other items. O’Reilly immediately smirked and looked at Roger Ailes saying “You’re genius for having Flava Flav as this year’s human porch monkey.”

As the Fox News staff walked towards the cabin’s entrance Roger Ailes turned to Bill O’Reilly and said “This year we have two human porch monkeys, and it wasn’t my idea for Flava Flav to be one of this year’s human porch monkey…you must thank the House Speaker John Boehner for that!” O’Reilly laughed so hard that his face turned beet-red and said, “John is brilliant I love him as much as I love this place…Who’s the other porch monkey Roger?” Then, Bill looked at Flav Flav and said “Tomorrow I want you wearing a bigger clock around your neck so you can know exactly what time it is for my breakfast!” Flava replied, “Yeah boy!”

Before Roger Ailes could tell O’Reilly who the other human porch monkey was, T-Pain greeted the men while wearing a pair of boxer shorts and a T-shirt covered with a tuxedo tailcoat. T-Pain wasn’t wearing any shoes, but he did sport a top hat decorated with the Confederate flag, as he served up a plate of sliced watermelon. That’s when Sean Hannity raised his left eyebrow and looked at T Pain saying, “You’re my favorite porch monkey.” O’Reilly overheard Hannity’s comment and said “Two human porch monkeys…this must be heaven.”

All of a sudden a voice echoed over the plantation grounds. It was coming from the P.A. system, and was obviously the voice of Senator Lindsey Graham telling all the House Negroes not to talk to any guests until they were spoken to.

O’Reilly could not be fooled…he knew a famous House Negro was arriving at the cabin because he saw Donald Rumsfelf walking up the tower holding a AK-47 riffle. The energy on the cabin grounds grew to be one of excitement as Will.i. am made his entrance sporting blackface of course. That’s when O’Reilly observed T Pain put his left ear to the ground and shout to Pat Buchanan “Boss boss a car is coming I can hear it!” Buchanan said “Go fetch me my cellphone so I can notify the Speaker Of The House” “Yessa” replied T Pain.

A limousine pulled up to the plantation and the chauffeur (Tracy Morgan) exited the car only to open the door for the cabin’s first guest, Condoleeza Rice. As Condi walked towards the cabin grounds, she was greeted by John Boehner who started crying and said “Condi Condi Condi…It’s nice to see you again and I know you had a long trip. Are you hungry?” Before Condoleeza could answer Boehner pulled a flask out of his suit jacket, took a sip and handed Condoleeza a plate containing a slice of cornbread, pickled pigs feet, and a pink lemonade Snapple to wash it down. Condi said “Thank you.” As Flava Flav grabbed her bags, O’Reilly announced “The cabin is open!”

Can you guess who will be the second guest to arrive to Uncle Tom’s Cabin?